Feeling Before Fixing
When someone we care about is hurting, whether it’s a scraped knee, a broken heart, or a setback at work, it’s natural to want to help fix the problem as quickly as possible. This is especially true for those of us who are more solution-focused by nature. In fact, our need to fix can feel almost urgent: “How do we make this better?” Some of us struggle to watch another person be in pain.
However, when it comes to emotional healing, the first step isn’t fixing, rather it’s feeling. Before a solution can land and be absorbed, we (or sometimes you’ll hear people say: “the nervous system”) needs to feel seen, safe, and soothed.
This principle is especially clear when working with children. Imagine a young child falls and hurts their knee. The parenting instinct might be to immediately say, “You’re okay! Brush it off. Let’s get a Band-Aid!” In other words, we move straight into action, fixing the problem. But if you’ve ever been in this scenario, you may recall that it doesn’t always calm the child down. Sometimes, it actually escalates their distress.
Why? - asked by every exhausted parent out there.
Because before the body and brain are ready to problem-solve, they need emotional attunement.
Nervous System Needs
When a child (or anyone) is upset, their sympathetic nervous system, the part responsible for “fight, flight, or freeze”, is activated. This makes logical thinking and solution-seeking not easily accessible. Instead, the priority is emotional safety: Am I safe? Will I be hurt again? Is someone here to help?
When we first offer empathy, we help regulate a child’s emotional state by engaging the ventral vagal system (part of the parasympathetic nervous system), which promotes a sense of safety, connection, and calming. Once the nervous system is soothed, we can shift gears into thinking about solutions.
Research in developmental psychology and neuroscience strongly support this. Dr. Dan Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA, describes this with the phrase “connect before you correct”, emphasizing that emotional connection lays the groundwork for regulation and learning.
Emotion-Focused Statements
Rather than rushing to fix, it is often better to slow down and attend to the emotional moment first. Here are some simple emotion-focused statements you might use:
“Ouch, that looked like it really hurt.”
“That must have been so scary when you fell.”
“It’s okay to cry — it was a big fall.”
“You were having so much fun, and then you got hurt. That’s really hard.”
“I’m right here with you.”
After the child’s distress begins to ease (you might notice their breathing slow down, their muscles relax, or their cries lessen), then you can gently offer solutions: “When you’re ready, let’s go clean it up together.” or “What should we do to fix this?”
Adults need this too!
This approach isn’t just for kids. Emotions are a human experience; adults also need their emotional experiences recognized before they can meaningfully move toward problem-solving. Jumping straight to solutions can leave people feeling invalidated: as if their emotions are inconvenient, over exaggerated, or unnecessary.
Have you ever vented to a friend about a particular issue and as they start throwing out possible solutions, you notice that you begin to feel defensive, irritable, and misunderstood? You may find yourself not sharing as much with that friend, and instead, you remain alone in your distress.
Or, perhaps you’ve been the person who has been frustrated by a friend who is venting about something when the solution is right there in front of them. Perhaps you are even tempted to throw out such solutions: “Break up with him!” Or “Quit that job.” From your perspective, the solution is available and will ameliorate their distress.
These are the moments when we need to slow down, hear out the other people, offer some emotional reassurance, and then slowly move into problem solving together.
A Simple Reminder
If you’re someone who naturally moves toward solutions (many of us are!), here’s a small mantra you can use: “Feel first. Fix second.”
